There’s a very good reason men don’t stay at home with children

It’s because we’re biologically exposed.

Over the past two months I have copped more cherry shots than in all of the previous 33 years of my life on this planet. I get that mums sacrifice their nipples when their newborn is learning to feed. But damn, it’s just getting nibbled on a little bit, occasionally. Then they toughen up and all is good. You could beat them with a tenderiser and the nipple would just shrug as if to say ‘I’m not in the mood to be tickled’.

Balls do not toughen up. Yes if you’re a die hard cyclist your scrotum can turn into a leather pouch that offers some added protection, but that requires years of commitment and most of us aren’t masochistic.

Since arriving in NY, my fellas have been headbutted, kneed, kicked and punched with such frightening regularity I’ve started searching the kids room to see if they’re hiding a roster. It seems likely they’ve decided another sibling is not on their agenda and the best way to ensure that is to take out the baby makers. My swimmers are now so concussed they would have a greater chance of humming Beethoven’s 5th than finding the uterus.

And the little people are clever about how they inflict each strike on me too. Chaos has mastered the element of surprise. She will sneak up on me from behind, crawling. Then as I spot her and start to crouch she suddenly jumps up and ‘misjudges’ the amount of clearance she’s got. As I let out a whimper and double over, she pats me on the cheek and gently says ‘sowy daddy’. My bruised nut you’re sowy. I know you know what you’re doing.

Hurricane is a fan of the lazy limb. It appears to be entirely unintentional, and yet his strike zone is so precise. He’ll be in our bed in the morning and flop over from BB’s side to mine, his trailing foot or knee connecting flush. Or he’ll be in the kitchen and happen to windmill his arms as I turn around. No apology is forthcoming from him. He just feigns surprise and asks for some grapes.

BB’s sympathetic response?

Close your legs.

Pretty soon there won’t be much left to protect anyway.










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